Thursday, 13 September 2012

Where to start . . .

People always say writing your feelings down helps you to get things off your mind or out of your system. I just need a place to think and exhale. I don't really know how this is going to turn out, maybe just me spouting all my insecurities out online for whoever to see or maybe it will actually give me a purpose.

Well if you must know i'm nineteen, no job, good qualifications, great friends oh and course I forgot to mention the crippling anxiety that has burdened my life for 18 months now. I live with my mum and sister which to some people might sound like a hoot but reality its just a lot of PMS and domino's takeout. My sister is a strange one, wouldn't change her for the world but she has some serious split personality issues. One minute nice as pie the next like a nuclear bomb! My mum and I have got a lot closer since my anxiety hit as she has had to help me with many things but she is a worrier whether that be about money or just my sister and my future. She is stressed out but I suppose being a single mum does that.
I'm single, never been on a date, never had a boyfriend, actually don't think anyone has ever liked me like that. Which yes means i'm a virgin which as of right now doesn't bother me but in certain situations with my friends it can get a bit awkward because they can chat about boyfriend or guy problems and i just exclude myself before I get embarrassed as I don't really fit in with that topic. But being a virgin doesn't mean i'm totally oblivious to sex which my sister seams to think that if your a virgin you don't know anything about it, I'm not a 60 year old Catholic nun, i'm a teenager living in the 21st century of course I know about it more than she would care to know, its plastered in our faces whether that be on the TV or in magazines, everyone knows something or other. She also thinks i'm going to grow up and have 700 cats (she is probably right there!).
I would say i'm not the typical nineteen year old, I haven't met anyone who is in a similar situation to mine so I guess I would call myself different. But as my idol Kurt Cobain says "people laugh at me because i'm different, I laugh at them because their all the same".

Maybe in a few days I will talk more about my anxiety but right now its 3am and my eyes are slowly closing, and all i can hear is my guinea pig George is munching on hay in the background.
For whoever is out there, this is me.


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