I've just finished watching this film for the second time and I'm wiping the tears off my cheek which is a rarity as I never normally cry let alone over a film. I think the thing that got me about this film is that I can relate it to my situations and what I have been through over the past 2 years.
I'm not going to spoil anything for those who haven't seen it but its about Charlie a boy who is just starting high school, trying to find his feet in the world but struggling with his past, his thoughts and feelings. I suppose like me many people love this film because we can relate to the main character but for me its the first time I've watched a film and have been taken aback by the feelings I got from it. As those who know me or have read an entry I did a while ago I suffer with anxiety, which isn't really linked with what goes on in the film but I understand that feeling of not wanting to put your hand up in class and being to shy to get involved in anything at school, hell I never joined a club in my life because I was scared of talking/meeting new people. I hate any situation that is out of my comfort zone, I avoid things i feel uneasy about which I wish I didn't because I miss out on so much.
My anxiety now makes everything worse than it was in school, I don't just avoid things, I stop everything. I've basically not lived my life for 2 years which is sad because I'm only 19 and I would do anything to be like my friends and go out and have fun. My doctor says I will be living with this for the rest of my life and it's up to me to find the way I'm best at dealing with it. I try not to think of the future or make plans because if I did I would be upset if I couldn't achieve them. It's a weird feeling being told your going to have to deal with something that prevents you from being the best you because you can't see how your situation could change. Your stuck in a rut and you can't possibly see yourself doing anything you want to do because of this crippling fear of the unknown.
I've kind of gone off topic here but what I'm trying to say is Charlie's feelings parallel mine in some way, he says something in the line of how can I be happy and sad at the same time, and I totally get that. He relives in his memory everything that's happened to him and everything he sees, which I have done for a long time. I over think every step I have ever made, god even steps other people have made and I go over them. I still remember things I have said from years ago and say to myself why the hell did you say that when it doesn't matter anymore. I hold onto the past which never lets you feel free and if I'm going to get better I need to let go of everything.
This film is one of my favourites of this year if you haven't seen it you need to, its hard to explain but its worth watching. I think its out on DVD in February maybe I will get it for my birthday but until then I'm going to read the book.
Till next time with hopefully a happier blog :)
heather
xoxo
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